Time...

I've been really focused on "time" lately.  I've been planning meals, planning workouts, planning for our future, and many of my friends can tell you I'm a constant list maker. And while I don't account for every single second, minute, and hour in my day, I do like to have a game plan. 

This morning I woke up with the realization that today is the last one we get. Today is the very last January 6th, 2013...EVER. Do you see how precious today is? Do you see how valuable every little bit of this day can be? How valuable EVERY day can be? How are you spending it?
Are you continuing bad habits that are stealing away time that could be spent bettering yourself? Are you wasting time worrying about tomorrow? Are you giving of your time to people who don't value it nearly as much as they should?

Time is NOT infinite. There will be a day when you run out. What will you have on that day? Will you be surrounded by people who value you just as much as you valued them? People who not only shared their secrets and hopes and wishes with you, but who listened to yours. Will you have built a life worthy of remembering, or a life easy to forget? When you run out of time, will you be at peace knowing you lived your life with joy regardless of what mountains you had to climb or with regret at the things you didn't do because you were too scared to try because someone else said you couldn't or it seemed to hard?

You have 1440 minutes today. That's it. I am going to try my hardest to touch a life, work on changing MY life, and love the people that need to be loved.  I will not, however, waste another second waiting until tomorrow, wishing for a text message, or hoping that my life was like someone else.  What are you doing with your time today?

Changes...

Biggest realization I've had in a while:  change your attitude about yourself and doors will open.
It's no secret that I've dealt with insecurities and self confidence issues for a very long time.  It used to keep me from living a life that left me filling happy and fulfilled at the end of each day.  It kept me from reaching out to people, even just for friendship, because I thought I wasn't good enough to be one of the "cool people".
When I rejoined the gym earlier this year, I would go in, ear buds in the ears before i even left the locker room, get on the treadmill that had no one else close, do my thing, and leave.  I didn't really talk to people, but I would see them.  The couple in the weight room who were smiling while dripping with sweat...the woman behind me letting loose on the Arc trainer...the two girls working on the floor with the female trainer.  I saw them...and I wished so much that I could have the confidence to strike up a conversation with them.
It took time and ZUMBA to help break me out of the safe little world I had created for myself.  The more I worked out the more confident I became.  Suddenly, it was a little easier to make small talk with the people I saw. Suddenly, I was making friends with people who not only had seen me at my worst, they were watching me work to become my best. 
Last night I got to spend some much needed girl time with most of these women to celebrate my 35 (so far) pound weight loss.  We laughed until we had tears in our eyes, I drank a "little bit" of tequila, and I realized  how silly I was to ever be afraid of these people.  I felt completely comfortable in my own skin and had THE BEST TIME. These women are some of the coolest people I've ever met and they have accepted me for me.
You see...I could have chosen to remain the painfully self aware person I used to be, but I changed my mind.  I realized I'm better than that. I realized that I'm fun...no...I. Am. Awesome.  And people need to know that.  I changed my attitude about myself and what I'm capable of and it opened the door to new goals and amazing new friendships. I am so thankful for both because those friends push me towards those goals every single day without even knowing it. These days I go to bed at night completely exhausted.  I give every thing I have to make sure I'm living a happy and fulfilled life each and every day instead of laying awake wishing I'd done something different.

Well, crap.

Am I in a minority of people who actually say things and mean it? Is there some kind of secret group out in the world that teaches a select group of people how to manipulate the other people's emotions for their own personal pleasure? Did I miss the life lesson about not letting other people have so much control of your happiness? And why in the hell do some of the people we love and care for most end up being the people who use us up and leave us in a heap on the floor the fastest?

Just a few things I'd like to request today:
1) Don't tell a girl you love her unless you mean it.  Don't say it just because she did.  Don't say it because you think it's what she wants to hear. 
2) If you do say it, make your intentions perfectly clear so that she doesn't spend the rest of her life wondering why, if you loved her, you kept breaking her heart. Wondering what she did so wrong to make you run off every time shit got serious. And please, please don't make plans for the future if you have no intent on being there.
3) If you do decide to run, don't keep coming back again and again....and again.  There's only so much leaving a heart can handle and eventually she might just fall apart.
4) If you break her heart once, she will forgive you someday...if you break her heart over and over, she'll NEVER forgive herself for letting you do that to her.
5) Don't expect her to forget a single moment even if you did.  And don't expect her to just be "normal" now.  There is going to be a lot of things she needs to say to you but she won't know how and it may come across like she's bitchy or nagging, but really she's just a flippin' mess and has suddenly forgotten how to have an adult conversation. 
 
All that being said, I wish like hell we all had an internal switch that would shut our mouths, focus our thoughts, and disable our texting capabilities when we start to get all crazy.  I swear I bring some of this on myself, but not all of it.  And as much as I envy those people who are able to let it all  roll off their backs, I actually prefer being an over emotional girl at times.  After all, if I wasn't this way, I wouldn't be me.  Some people can handle it, others can't. Some people say they love me for who I am, others actually prove it.

Probably the most random post I've ever written...

It has been brought to my attention several times in the past few weeks that I am always in such a good mood.  Someone actually asked my husband if I was really as positive and motivational as I come across on Facebook! 
Well, I don't know how motivational I am, but I do know that I would rather post something positive or silly as to rant on and on about who pissed me off today.  I know that positive attitudes are just as contagious as a negative one.  I know that each and every day I am given is another day to be the absolute best person I can be...otherwise it's wasted.  And at the end of that day, I want to lay my head down knowing I made a difference, no matter how slight it may have been.
I know that I feel better waking up and working hard to reach my goals  than I did when I'd sleep in and not give a crap about my health. I'd rather sweat my toes off in the morning than hit that snooze button at all.  In all seriousness I wake up BEFORE my alarm clock most days ready to get my tennis shoes on and get to the gym or the park. I get excited about the changes I've made in my life and I share that with my friends.  If my excitement encourages someone to do a little more then maybe I AM motivational.   
I'm a firm believer in karma which really boils down to this: you get what you give.  If treat people kindly, if you listen, if you reach out to someone you hardly know anymore just to say "I'm here for you whenever you need me", you will be rewarded with a smile, a genuine 'thank you', or maybe even a hug someday. 
Let me also just share a few things you may or may not know about me.  I'm loyal almost to a fault.  I will answer any question you might have about me so please, just ask.  Yes, I have a past.  No, I am NOT ashamed of it.  There is not a single song in this world that doesn't remind me of someone.  As happy as I am, I am always missing someone...I wish people didn't have to go away.  I'm having a not so secret love affair with Eric Church's album "Chief". (AMAZING RECORD!!)  I. Am. Fierce. By October, I fully intend on being able to call myself a runner without feeling like a complete poser.  Oh, and also by then, imma be HAWT!! :)
And lastly...I'm gonna need a dirt road trip with old friends SOON!!

Today is my birthday....

Four months ago if you reminded me that on my next birthday I would be 30 years OLD, I would honestly break down and cry.  30 terrified me to no end.   I can remember thinking on my 25th birthday, only five more years to 30...and right now you're half way to 50! And then here would come the teary eyes and the panic.

You see, I thought there were all these things that I HAD to do before I reached 30.  I thought I HAD to have the perfect job, the perfect little family, the perfect house, the perfect body....the list goes on and on.  Everything needed to be perfect.

And then one night at work while talking with my friend Lori I had an epiphany...my life IS perfect simply because it's mine. 

I have a perfect job because I get to work with (most of) my best friends.  We make it a point to laugh every single day, to encourage each other (Good Game!), and to keep things as drama free as we possibly can.  My boss knows I do good work and he ever trades recipes with me once in a while!

I have the perfect family already.  I have a husband who loves me unconditionally.  Who right now at this moment is signing a birthday card that he bought yesterday in his game room because he thinks he's sneaky.  A man who has seen me at my absolute worst and still held me and told me he loved me.  He has never failed me, always encouraged me to follow whatever silly plan or idea I come up with.  A man who would rather sit with me on the couch and watch "Big Bang Theory" than to go out and get trashed with his friends. He healed a broken heart the day he said he loved me and I will be forever thankful for that.

I always thought I HAD to have two kids by the time I was 30.  I don't know where I got the idea that it was mandatory and that I had failed if I didn't have two children running around our home.  But I realized that, maybe, just maybe, that isn't my lot in life.  Maybe I'm supposed to be the cool aunt that my nieces and nephews can talk to about that messy stuff that happens in life when they aren't ready to talk to their parents yet.  I can hug and kiss and laugh and play with  the babies that come in out family...and then I can send them home. Once I realized that I was actually Okay without kids, 30 didn't seems so menacing.

Our house isn't perfect by any means.  The carpet is stained and needs to be replaced.  The back deck is ready to fall off the house.  Our garage is a mess, my kitchen is disorganized, and Molly's toys stay in her toy box only for the length of time it takes me to vacuum.  But, as of last week, I have the perfect laundry room thanks to some hard work from my brother and Randy.  It is perfect and just what I wanted.  We have plans to remodel our kitchen to make it perfect for us.  We also have plans to replace the carpet with laminate, build a better deck and do some landscaping in the yard.  Our  home may not be perfect YET, but it is a work in progress and will be soon.

And my body?  Oh it's FAR from perfect.  I'm perfectly aware of it's imperfections.  I'm finding my way, albeit slowly.  I'm learning to listen to what my body is saying instead of ignoring it.  It's taken all of 30 years to get to that point. 

I love my life...and I fully intend to embrace 30 and make it the best  year of my life...so far.

Stonger...

I'm going to be 30 years old soon...very, very soon.  And while I could go on and on about how I'm not looking forward to this birthday, that's for another day.
One of my very best friends is dealing with some heavy breakup "stuff", for lack of a better word.  It was absolutely the right decision for her to make and I support her 110%.  I know she will be happier in a multitude of different ways.  I know that there is a man out there who will treat her with the respect she deserves and who will love her unconditionally.  At only the age of 21, this sweet, beautiful, amazing young woman has a lifetime to let that man find her.
Right now, at this very moment, my hope for her is that she can embrace this moment...live in the hurt and pain, but just for a little while.  I hope she finds that in the end, letting go feels better than holding on.  I hope that she can be stronger than I was at 21( or even at almost 30) and not let the hurt and anger define her future relationships.  I hope that she will be wise enough to remember the good times after learning from the bad ones.
I've had my share of hurts. Some lasted only a few days others I held onto for far too long. The deeper I loved, the longer I hurt.  BUT...the deeper I loved, the more I gained!  I gained confidence, self esteem, wisdom, friends, laughter, joy and memories that I wouldn't trade for the world.  I learned who I was because of it all!  I learned that, even when I fell apart once in a while, I was strong enough to put the pieces back together. 
To my friend, I hope you know that you are strong.  And because you're strong, it's OK if you want to fall apart for a while.  I, along with so many other people love you and support you, will be here if you need help finding yourself again. <3

Happy New Year!!

“Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.” ~~~Brad Paisley

     I had started this post with a really long, rambling rant (for lack of a better word) about a bunch of random crap from a long time ago. Then I deleted it.  I started a second post that really was no better than the first...so I deleted that one, too.
    So let me just say this; 2011 was good to me.  There were a few bumps, goals that didn't come to fruition for various reasons, a really big fight with my best friend, a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication.  I started having some health problems that I'm still trying to get to the bottom of and the credit card had to be used more times than I had hoped.
    But you know what else happened?  I was there the moment my beautiful, sweet great-nephew was born on January 16th.  I got to hold him within the first hour of his being on this big scary earth and I loved him before I even knew him. 
    I watched my BFF grow and blossom into a woman who is learning that it is OK to speak up for herself.  She took some chances and has faced some scary things this year but she hasn't given up.
    I watched my other BFF go from having a broken heart, to finding the man she was meant to be with, blending their families, and creating a beautiful little girl that I hope I get to watch grow into a beautiful woman.
    I've realized that working in a factory is a lot more fun when you work with people who make you laugh and who listen when you have something to say.  And while I've always been pretty lucky in who I've worked with, the group I have around me now I count as some of my best friends.
    I realized that I'm perfectly fine with not having children.  I enjoy working nights, sleeping in, and not having to find a babysitter if Randy and I want to go out.  I love spoiling my dogs.  And I love my life just as it is.
    And most recently I learned that things may not always be as bad as you think they are. Reaching out to an old friend and finding out that I'm not hated for at one time being an over emotional girl.  And while I'm sure the friendship will probably never be what it once was, that's OK.  Because you see, I'm not who I once was and neither is he.  I'm perfectly fine with starting this friendship anew and being content. 
     I am just as far from perfect as I was last New Years Eve.  I have a list of goals that looks a whole lot like the list I had last year.  I have questions about what I'm doing and where I'm going.  But I'm a lot less anxious about 2012 than I was about 2011.  I'm going to ENJOY this year. (Even if I AM turning, *gulp*, 30 in 1 month. I'm going to be a little less hard on myself while at the same time pushing myself a little more.  And tomorrow I write the first page of my 2012 book.  I'm excited to see who shows up in the next 365 pages...