Happy New Year!!

“Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.” ~~~Brad Paisley

     I had started this post with a really long, rambling rant (for lack of a better word) about a bunch of random crap from a long time ago. Then I deleted it.  I started a second post that really was no better than the first...so I deleted that one, too.
    So let me just say this; 2011 was good to me.  There were a few bumps, goals that didn't come to fruition for various reasons, a really big fight with my best friend, a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication.  I started having some health problems that I'm still trying to get to the bottom of and the credit card had to be used more times than I had hoped.
    But you know what else happened?  I was there the moment my beautiful, sweet great-nephew was born on January 16th.  I got to hold him within the first hour of his being on this big scary earth and I loved him before I even knew him. 
    I watched my BFF grow and blossom into a woman who is learning that it is OK to speak up for herself.  She took some chances and has faced some scary things this year but she hasn't given up.
    I watched my other BFF go from having a broken heart, to finding the man she was meant to be with, blending their families, and creating a beautiful little girl that I hope I get to watch grow into a beautiful woman.
    I've realized that working in a factory is a lot more fun when you work with people who make you laugh and who listen when you have something to say.  And while I've always been pretty lucky in who I've worked with, the group I have around me now I count as some of my best friends.
    I realized that I'm perfectly fine with not having children.  I enjoy working nights, sleeping in, and not having to find a babysitter if Randy and I want to go out.  I love spoiling my dogs.  And I love my life just as it is.
    And most recently I learned that things may not always be as bad as you think they are. Reaching out to an old friend and finding out that I'm not hated for at one time being an over emotional girl.  And while I'm sure the friendship will probably never be what it once was, that's OK.  Because you see, I'm not who I once was and neither is he.  I'm perfectly fine with starting this friendship anew and being content. 
     I am just as far from perfect as I was last New Years Eve.  I have a list of goals that looks a whole lot like the list I had last year.  I have questions about what I'm doing and where I'm going.  But I'm a lot less anxious about 2012 than I was about 2011.  I'm going to ENJOY this year. (Even if I AM turning, *gulp*, 30 in 1 month. I'm going to be a little less hard on myself while at the same time pushing myself a little more.  And tomorrow I write the first page of my 2012 book.  I'm excited to see who shows up in the next 365 pages...

   

I'm Learning/These Are the Days

I'm learning a lot of things these days.  Some exciting things...some that kind of rip your heart out, throw it on the floor, and squish it around with a big dirty foot. 
I'm starting my own business people's!  After years of being told I should be doing this, I'm finally going to. You're thinking to yourself "Yay!  Finally she's going to do it!" But let me tell you something...I would not be doing this without the support, guidance, and blind faith of a few people who believe in this small town girl and her dream.  These are people who I've only met in person a handful of times.  People who live hundreds of miles away from me. People who have become an extension of my own family.  They are willing to take time away from their families and their jobs to help this terrified country girl make a name for herself in this big ole world.  I'm leaning that THESE are the moments we live for. The moments when someone says YOU WILL NOT FAIL BECAUSE I WON'T LET YOU.  The moments when a perfect stranger reaches out to say "How can I help you?"  The moments when a co-worker says "MY five year plan is based on YOUR five year plan. I'm not leaving you but I don't want to be here for another five years so get it done!"
And then there's, what I call quite simply, my haters.  True, they probably don't hate me. True, they probably have a lot going on and just haven't found time to be supportive. True, I shouldn't let it bother me, but damn it, it does.  I'm learning that it takes a lot more than sharing of blood to make a family.  Learning that you can spend a lifetime trying to be perfect in every way and instead you end up bitter, jealous, and eventually, alone. 
That's not me.  I tell people that I'm proud of them.  I give out high fives like I invented them.  I say thank you, and please, and when the lady working at Subway says "Will that be all?" I say "Yes Ma'am." I want to see my friends shine! I want to see my family happy!  But I'm learning that what I want for others isn't always what they want for me...or maybe it is and they choose not to say so.  (Which, to me, is even sadder than wishing for the worst for someone.)
But guess what?  I'm going to finish this post, pick up my little dog Molly who is sleeping at my feet, and sing and dance in my perfect little kitchen that smells like chocolate until my husband comes home from work.  I'm going to tell him I love him and thank him for being such a hard worker and such a wonderful provider for our perfect little family. And tonight when we lay down, we're going to talk about my business and how SUCCESSFUL it's going to be.  I'm not going to fail.  Trip and stumble and cry and maybe even hide a little? Yes.  But I wasn't born to fail. I was born to shine like white sugar crystals on a red velvet cake pop! ;)